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Date:2015-06-28 22:37
Subject:Third baby birth story - first two natural, third vaginal with epidural
Security:Public

So here's the birth story for those intrigued: I had a non-stress test the day before. I was trying to get a tour of the hospital but I never planned one. I had a feeling when I was there that I would be coming back very soon. I think seeing the labor/delivery ward prepped me mentally and allowed the process to proceed. My kids were at my moms house for a sleepover - everything "felt" ready.

I used 3 "natural" induction methods in conjunction to get it going. Black/blue cohosh (15 drops each) in water, nip stim and prostoglandins. I was feeling squeezy before bed but attributed it to brisket and beans for dinner - although they never made me feel that way before. I had to go to the bathroom 3 or 4 times in 5 hours because I kept feeling like I had to go but nothing happened. Then felt a trickle (def not pee because I had been trying for hours to do that) and it was pink tinged followed by a tranquil contraction. I told Harold to sleep more since it was 4 am... then decided - nope, if these get stronger I do not want to be driving 15 extra minutes on a windy road. So I woke up Harold and we started to get ready. Good thing because it took about an hour to finally leave the house as I had an unexpected nesting "let's not forget this and this and this" moment. Went to my mother's house on the way to drop off carseats for the girls and let my parents know - as well as sneak in a few kisses to my sleeping angels. Then we headed to the hospital around 6am since I was expecting it to get stronger quickly.
On the 25 minute drive there I only had about 5 contractions which weren't very long. This was already different than my previous birth where I went straight to 1 minute contractions 2 minutes apart. But I was still wary that it'd go fast so I was happy with getting there ASAP. We did the sign-in thing and were taken to our room. I wasn't too pleased with the state of the room - it felt old and musty and I realized then I was letting the setting get to me so I withdrew and just held onto my IV pole through the contractions(which they insisted to give me fluids since its "protocal" boo). At the 5 hour mark the contractions were slowing to every 4-5 minutes and 45 seconds apart. They were strong - but not really effective because when I got checked I only progressed about 1cm in 3 hours. I talked to my sister in MD about epidurals and after we talked I felt even more intrigued. I didn't want pitocin but I knew this feeling with Zora. The labor came after water breaking but fizzed out and the pitocin contractions were nearly unbearable.
I had felt like I already had my natural birth twice before. I was anticipating a quick 3 or 4 hour labor but it had been 6 hours and I knew they'd want to do pitocin soon and I didn't want my son to be stuck in there for a 30 hour labor like Zora was. So I asked for the epidural.
I HATE needles and the idea of one in my back seemed soooooooo horrible. It was a small prick for the local anesthetic then it felt like something was sliding between my spine - something was - a tube, ewwww. Anyhow once it was in he did a test dose and it felt cold under my skin by where the needle was. I asked them to pleeeeaaasssseee not give me a catheter and they said they had to assess how far along I was first. If I was close then they could avoid it. Of course I was only at 6 so they put it in. I felt that more than I was supposed to but it wasn't bad. Then they gave me the "remote" for my pain which gave 5mL of the fentanyl (topping out at 33mL per hour and it gave 8mL/hour as the base dose). They said I should "load up" by pressing it a few times over the next 20-30 minutes, it gave one dose every 10 minutes. I did it twice then left it alone for a few hours.
I felt the contractions get shorter and shorter but I my focal point (the external contraction monitor chart was visible in a mirror across from the bed) kept showing the contractions sustaining intensity and duration. Apparently this is the first effect of the epidural. Then my legs were getting number - I could move them but not feel them. Then eventually they turned into lead weights and I couldn't move or feel them. I had to use my upper body to twist myself to my right and left sides for contracting.
As expected the epidural did slightly weaken the contractions (something my nurse said would not happen but I didn't take her word for it since it is written everywhere on the internet that such things do occur and the doctor confirmed it). She said "Sorry about that I told you that it doesn't slow them down" - I guess in every profession people tell the client what they want/need to hear. So since they slowed down I agreed to the pitocin. They started with a "sniff" then increased it slightly once I was regular. I remember twisting my tailbone back and forth for my quick birth and how that helped move things along. So I laid on my right side and swiveled my hips right to left at a slow pace then faster as the contraction got faster. I also moaned through them - even though it wasn't really needed I remember these things helping with my previous births. I wanted to still pretend like I was feeling the pain because those instinctual behaviors probably are what shimmy the baby out. I felt shakey from the hormone adrenaline pumping through me. It all still felt like natural birth but there was just 90% less pain.
I continued to have my phantom contractions - They felt like strong Braxton Hicks contractions coupled with a stomach ache. Then the epidural wore off a bit and I started feeling more of it and being able to move my legs. This was around 9 cm but my cervix still had a lip where it was inflammed but was swipeable. I was at 9cm for about 3 hour having the phantom contractions. Then after the doc birthed the other ladies baby she came over and told the nurse to start pushing and try to push back that bit of cervix. I pushed for about 10 minutes holding onto my legs and curling my chin into my stomach. It took me 2 pushes to remember how to push but then she responded "YES! THAT ONE! THAT'S A GOOD PUSH" - Those words definitely made it far more encouraging! Now I felt equipped. The doc had said before she asked the nurse to start pushing "If the baby can't clear that cervix its going to be bad" - something she really shouldn't have said but I guess she had to prepare me mentally. And those words, despite their negative conotation - were equally encouraging. "EFF THAT" I thought in my head - time to really push! They told me to hold my breath/push into the posterior point of my cervix for 10 seconds, take a fast, quick breath then hold my breath again for 10 seconds pushing again. I did as instructed and then by 15 minutes there was a POP! My mom was holding up my left leg and saw the head and she started to get all teary eyed. The doctor was called for from the nurse's station and another 3 or 4 people rushed in with her. The nurse then shrieked "OKAY STOP ONE SECOND - DON'T PUSH" I guess she wasn't feeling up for catching the baby (probably not permitted to actually). And then after the next contraction came I pushed 3 more times and he came out with the cord twisted around his body like a seatbelt. This dulled vaginal delivery felt very similar to my others. There was a HUGE release like a water balloon popped inside me and exploded out my yahoo. I could say it in more poetic terms but its not a poetic thing - its quite primal. I felt all my organs shift and plummet back into place where they belong. I suppose if someone gutted you it would feel similar - like a massive weight inside your body fell out. Sorry, still not poetic! Maybe next time I'll scream "FREEEEDDDDOOOOOOMMMM"
They put him on me after a quick aspirator suckout and they heard a few cries and he looked so much like his sisters did by first glance. He was all bloody and cute, barely opening his eyes. The placenta came out quickly after. Everything beyond that point (fundal massaging, iv removal, and other hospital protocols) was rather mundane, unexciting, and strategic. As soon as he came I was pretty much ready to leave. The room for postpartum was hot (AC was malfunctioning), the staff was sweet, our methods of parenting were challenged, and in the end we got home safe and sound with our new little prince. Total weight: 8lb 4oz, weight @ discharge 7lb 14oz, 20.5" long! My shortest, fattest baby yet. Total labor length after waters broke: 16 hours

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Date:2015-01-18 00:26
Subject:Week 19 pregnancy
Security:Public

Bun in the oven is progressing rapidly. I found out I was pregnant at around 4 weeks and announced it immediately on FB... not waiting for the first trimester to end for this girly. I'm rather excited to have another love of my life in my life... I'm so enamoured with Zora and Willow and I hope it doesn't wane with them but I know I have enough time an energy to bring another darling soul into this world.

I was hoping for a boy until I realized that the show Full House had 3 girls in it and that I always saw my life being something like that when I was a child. Since I only had one younger sister who was 7 years younger than me we weren't as close as DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle but my possibly 3 girls will have much better chances of it!

Since Amber has become a mama she has seemed to grow up a lot. She wasn't really a frivolous teenager, probably more a prude than a philanderer, but she's definitely a woman now. It makes me wish so badly that she was closer but I know she is where she needs to be right now to proceed with a career.

Robbie's (my brothers) birthday was yesterday. I bought him this drapery-like gangster jacket with a silk lined hood. For some reason it seemed like "him." He seems like he's doing better since he's been in karate. The kids have joined him and there's loads of people who used to be in our class who are not going with their kids. It makes me want to go too but with baby bun that's not such a good idea.

I really wanted to make a prenatal hooping video but I'm allowing my self-hate to get the better of me. I'm feeling too "fat" to do it... I'm not even very large right now compared to my pregnancy with Zora but I feel like if I'm not what I've seen in the prenatal yoga videos then I'm not "Tv" quality. I don't know if this'll be my last child and I really don't have much time left in this pregnancy to get a video planned. I should start organizing my time, hiring pregnant moms to help me make the video, and get this video in gear with a studio. It'd be amazing to offer it to the hoop community but I do still have concerns... it almost seems like, What? Ab exercise for women who have stretched abs? And its obviously something you shouldn't start learning if you haven't done it before.

Yoga is advertised as a class that you can do any levels - hell its just stretching. I have seen some yoga hoop stuff that I like. Stretching with the hoop as a tool... then the biggest and best part of a hoop exercise for pregnant women is the arm workouts. I had such great strong arms for holding baby and then my hoop was there to help with the postnatal... it almost should emphasize more on postnatal and I can do TWO videos in one???? Wow what a great brainstorm journal entry!

So my goal now is really to cut out the crap food. No sugar, no processed foods, and no more damn decaff soy lattes. When I make them they are about 30 oz and almost entirely made of steamed vanilla soy milk. I've gone through a gallon in a few days and that can't be good. Plus I don't want to effeminate my male fetus in the event he is a HE.

I haven't picked out a name for a girl yet. Zora likes "Flower Cassina" and Willow keeps saying it. They've said it pretty much since day 1 of finding out I was pregnant and its kind of strange. I've sort of supported them saying it by asking, what's the baby's name? - and allowing them to remember/reiterate: "Flower cassina!"

I guess I do like the sound of it but where the hell did it come from??? If its a boy I would like to name him after daddy and he will be the 4th! We can call him quatro! How cute ^_^

Jessica wanted to help plan a Blessing Way for me which is amazing. I haven't been as close to her since her husband and her split again because her husband is friends with mine and they hangout/text all the time. I don't know anything that the discuss but I have a feeling she thinks I know something so has been at a distance the past few months. It could also be because she's super busy which would be understandable.

But I gotta be honest I have too! I haven't had a hangout session for awhile - today I saw Kim in Lodi but only for about 90 minutes. We talked about the new baby and she invited me to her young/fun church Gravity which has a rock band and a young carpenter pastor. It sounds intriguing but I'm not fully on board and can't help but think of a million other ways my time is required unfortunately.

I wish I could have a whole day of escaping from these 4 walls and having a real day OFF from the business. I check my email constantly to see if anyone wants a custom hoop and direct them to my listings, and also keep going on FaceBook to monitor the hula hoop group feeds and to stay on the up and up about hoopmaking. There really is a whole lot more better things I could be doing. I read a stumble upon 30 challenges list and one was to read a chapter a day on a book. That seems doable. Also walk 30 minutes - and text a friend everyday something you like about them. I've been pretty quiet on the phone front and have a lot of people I've lost touch with. A few random texts wouldn't be so bad :)

Also I remembered that I wanted to write more journal entries - so that is what this is for. Another resolution this year was to make a hooping tutorial every week. I have my reverse thread the needle I really want to get online. I gotta hurry up and get my other pass on youtube as well. *secret* after participating in voting for a rather important hoop award I came upon pretty much the entirety of events and videos that were about hooping. What an amazing experience and I hope I can do it again. It taught me that I'm not far from greatness. I thought I was miles and miles away from achieving something notable in the hoop community. I don't think that way anymore. Prenatal Hooping & Postnatal Hooping Compilation Exercise DVD --- Here I come.

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Date:2014-06-24 22:34
Subject:Poem Flow
Security:Public

I'm trying to add more flow to my life in all aspects. When I am singing songs I tend to write new songs by just flowing words and emotions together. I throw in some imagery, irony, and rhythm and ta-da! Music... I can't quite type them like that but I'd be interested in trying. I'm also setting a goal to go to an Open Mic sometime in this coming summer with some friends and we can all share poetry to our fellow human beings.

Here's a first; Unedited, unfiltered, raw poetry (sung in my head though, so its already a song)!

--------------


The whispering meadow awaits.
She's fiery and opens the gates.
But it isn't the words that she says.
That delivered the oceans at bay.

What about this frightens you? Is it true to be so blue?
Sadness brings the art to me and happiness sets me free.

Open your heart to the growth that it needs.
Live every year with greatest of ease.
But you'll never give into the norm.
Brave the tides, sing it by, through the storm.

Fill your cup with the things that should, bring about your highest good.
Sadness brings the art to me happiness sets me free.

The meadow is dim from the night.
Let it pass, call the sun up with might.
Walk carefully over the grass.
Nurture it then hunt when you're fast.

We all make tomorrow by our actions today, balance your life through the rest of your stay.
Sadness brings the art to me and happiness sets me free.

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Date:2014-03-16 21:24
Subject:Goddess Circle Reflection, March 16
Security:Public

So today I realized that my hesitation toward sisterhood is due in large part to my involvement in male-dominated activities: karate, counter strike along with two brothers closest in age to me. After getting to college and turning 21 that then transferred to hanging out at bars and talking to men. Courtship wasn't my agenda but men always seemed to think that was what I was doing. Did they really like talking to me, or did they appear to like talking to me because they wanted to sleep with me? I never put the two together until tonight... Also there is something to be said about being introverted and not allowing anyone to have the power to make you sad. I realized that the more people I encounter on a daily basis, the more people who will not like me. Every single person has someone who doesn't like them. And people who know MORE people are more likely to encounter said people. I accept that now! So if you don't like me... well that's too bad but I'm over it already. I was expecting you :D

I was always used to talking to men. I was also taught that when women talk its "cackling hens" and that there is backstabbing and manipulation when you speak to women which isn't there with men. That is also what I grew up to understand from my mother's interactions with other women. I didn't think that if I did want to live my life like my mother then I'd end up female-friendless just like her now. When you're a strong women you can either attract other women or you can frighten them off. I never knew that I always frightened them off. The only ones I didn't frighten were all strong women like me who also hung out with a majority of men.

I need to learn how to talk to women now. There are only 5 women I am able to talk to like this. Those women are Kassondra, Kim, Dominica, Nicona, and a new addition, Jessica. These women are amazing and I want them in my life more but time and space make it difficult.

With every other woman I try to talk to, the topics are always about giving birth, babies, lady stuff. Probably because the conversations are new and people don't wear their heart on their sleeve with strangers. I try to but then I think that doing that must be why I only have acquaintances and not close friends.

There's nothing wrong with talking about babies, birth, and breastfeeding... Its just that these topics are what I'm living and I'd prefer to talk about other topics that get me out of the subjects I live with everyday. My daughters are my best friends lately and I don't want to be living this life without a stronger circle and closer human experiences. Now I'm trying to talk to women and I really don't know how! This will take a lot of practice. I think today's circle helped me a great deal in getting the dialogue with my fellow sisters going. I want a red tent to have an open forum to discuss topics at a deeper level.

The topics I shared during the circle are as follows:

First menses, it occurred ides of march as did my first time with intercourse. I find it interesting that while we were discussing these topics I was on my moonphase and it was a full moon and it was a day after this mysterious day! I shared my experience with Danielle, my first and last best friend who I felt abandoned me in 6th grade to find a new best friend named Shannon and I released that! YES! Then opened my heart for new friendships to grow! Yes! I also spoke of my hesitation to launch my business because I think it isolates me from friendships. If I talk about my business it doesn't mean who I am talking to is a client. I need to release the fact that talking to people isn't offensive to them even though I think it is. I'm not a walking, talking commercial for my business. I am a human and hooping is what I love. I left my shame for self-promotion at the circle to be dissolved! A new me is here and I'm ready to stop being ashamed! The new year will be great. Year of the Horse.. I'm going to rise up and make my hoopdance class now. I will have a "Mommy and Me" class as well as an adult class that is aimed at vocalisations/singing while hooping and another standard starter class. These are my dreams!DREAMSSSSS YAY* bed time for girls so I gotta cut my ideas off here* <3

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Date:2013-12-24 01:17
Subject:Update on LIFE
Security:Public
Mood: amused

Looking around the main page of LJ I can't help but think things have certainly changed. Now instead of simplicity I am marketed by pictures of cookies, knowledge of birthdays and a few other unknown links.

My life has changed too. I am having a second wave of my late teenage phase. I can feel the balance as I have been losing weight recently and feeling very empowered. I did this type of thing before but it has been over 10 years since I've been able to jog 5 times a week and still ache to go hooping at night time after I already jogged in the morning. I love feeling so energized! It started from birth control pills which must have balanced me out hormonally.

I have been feeling the hoop as a partner in dance now. I guess I go back and forth but it is was recently an extra appendage, now it is back to being off me completely and I imagine soon it will have to be a floating apeendage. I am on day 24 of 100 for another round of Hooping for 100 days. I am so excited for my videos. Everytime I go out there to hoop I make up a new move or something to add flare/grace to my dance. Due to recent weight loss and muscle gain I have been getting lower to the ground and started doing a little bit of foot sweeping. Perhaps breakdancing is in the works soon!

I was dancing a bit after my jog this morning at the top of the hill where the sun was reflecting off the water at the lake. I saw a woman sitting leg-crossed on the rocks also looking at the water. I wanted to talk to her so badly. There is never anyone there and this time there are two people. A 40-something on the rocks, maybe meditating, and a 70-something briskly walking along the lake with a cane. I imagine his wife, her mother died recently and they went back there to think about her. A story plays out in my head...

I can't stop this narrative imagination of mind. I've encountered problems with it recently, wondering if I am even living a single life if I have all these narratives and possibilities which surge their way into my thoughts. Sometimes when I am walking around somewhere and I feel a memory come into my head I wonder if whatever I thought happened in the past or will happen someday. I see all these old camping spots with worn out cement and imagine cars in the 1970s parking there and kids throwing bottles into the water. Or maybe some ol' timer at the water with a fishing pole and his faithful mutt by his Jeep behind him...

I think all this creativity is coming from the balance I've been having. Now I'm back in the space where I give myself time to let me mind expand and entertain itself. I can also feel the hormones giving me an uncontrollable sadness. Sometimes I'll think about previous cases against parents who did unthinkable things to their kids or anything bad done to kids and just start crying for no reason! I have been like this before.... 21 years old I feel like I am reliving those years.

On my wanderings my mind encountered another strange observation: was the male's proclivity towards woman with smaller waists because they would be physically easier to grab? I suppose that would explain a lot of things for me, haha.... tarzan grab jane! Of course! But I don't think her waist is too large... I'm pretty certain most guys just have arms that aren't big enough! Ha!

Now on to how the kids are: Zora is stunning, sweet, and stutters a bit sometimes which I think is so cute. We still are not planning to put her in school. I hope I can find like-minded parents who want to do a Homeschool co-op. She has started dressing Willow up and putting on runway shows for me. I am encouraged even moreso to get a sewing setup going and taking some classes so we can start drawing and making her dream clothes.

I think Autumn, my niece, is also on board. She dressed up Zora this evening during their sleepover and she was equally excited about the idea of a fashion label. I can just tell these kids want to look and feel different. Maybe this will help them do it! Maybe ZAW or AWZ or WAZ ? All their initials? Me too? haha... SAWZ? No. that won't work.

Willow likes to grab things in arm distance if she is seated ANYWHERE... and throw the item as far as she can. We were shopping at Kmart and this was all she did for about 45 minutes straight. Then when I took it from her or lightly slapped her hand and said NO firmly but not loudly she would pause, look away from me for about 5 seconds then very slowly reach for something again (but usually much larger such as 3 or 4 hangers of clothes on a rack) and throw it with a scream that would scare a lion. She has such passion in her! She also flails to the ground and covers her head to fake cry and will lay there until I come and get her. And she will hit me then hug me... in that order, on repeat. I need to tone down the physical destruction but she is such a firecracker and its so entertaining :x


I am still facing the big questions in life, the direction I want to go. I'd love to be 35 and have a job that pays me well enough that I can go on vacation with my family for at least 2 weeks a year. How much money do I have to make for that to happen. Its not much, it really isn't. I just want 2 weeks of my life to live on a strict budget outside my home in someplace which is probably hotter or colder than where I live currently. And then maybe a festival every year too, Rainbow, Burning Man, or Hoop Camp on rotation, maybe I could go to Rainbow AS my vacation?? It does change location! Things to think about I guess......

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Date:2013-04-27 19:19
Subject:ABC Hoopdance !!
Security:Public

I made a new video doing tricks A-Z, <3 Hooping!

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Date:2012-05-13 22:11
Subject:On Being a Mother
Security:Public

I absolutely loved being pregnant (up to 7-8 months) and loved giving birth (especially after I forgot all the pain). Meeting a new person who shares love and adoration with you is truly remarkable. Birthing Zora, my first daughter, gave me great confidence after persevering a 32 hour labor without pain meds. Birthing Willow, my second daughter, gave me pride after she shot out of me after 4.5 hours - also without pain meds. And waiting for my spontaneous labor was well worth it. I am glad my girls got to choose their destined birth dates.

There are great lessons to be learned on either side of the spectrum. With both a short and long labor I felt very empowered after giving birth. Though my body feels mishapen, I am proud of the accomplishments that helped me achieve this new form. I wouldn't change it for a size 0 pants - ever. I have gained a new love and lost my temporary youthful form. But it was never meant to stay. And I was always meant to love.

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Date:2011-12-23 09:02
Subject:
Security:Public

A relaxing prenatal massage... Sounds nice doesn't it? It was supposed to be until I heard the words "no foot massage." I am nearly done with my second pregnancy and have never heard this from a massage therapist or a manicurist. He told the nail lady who was going to give me a mani and pedi that I cannot have my feet rubbed. Despite having paid for all 3 I left! A pedicure without a foot massage is .pointless.

My massage also did not go over so well. I have never had a massage from an older gentleman but I am open. He sat the entire time on a stool and had a cold which meant the relaxing music I was hearing was accompanied by wheezing and 2 sessions of nose blowings. Yuck. Also, there was a black barber shop downstairs and the voices carried a bit too well into the upstairs.
And then no foot massage? Boo hoo. I looked up the evidence and all studies do not provide empirical evidence. The most common places are the ankle points (which I recall using to induce my labor and Zora took almost 2 days to come out so they must not be very effective!)
I will stick to Wine & Roses and their wickedly expensive massages. They have a belly pillow for my massage so I don't have to sit on my side or back, tea, showers, spas to dip my legs into to relax my feet, fuzzy robes and slippers. Girl heaven, even in the freezing cold.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Date:2011-11-22 16:59
Subject:A sore throat
Security:Public
Mood: sick

Children are great. They are uplifting and inspirational. They make you feel like a kid again. Connecting with them gets you in touch with your bewildered human self. Kissing their faces is better than anything because they have these soft squishy cheeks that turn red when you're done smooching them. Then they cough on you. Then you realize, "I'm going to get this, aren't I?"

I cannot stop from getting SICK by the children in my life. I help my brother out by babysitting my niece and nephew two days a week and these kids are always sick. I pump them full of vitamins and nutritious food the entire time they are here, but nothing seems to work. They are accustomed to a high sugar, low nutrient diet. At least that is what I've seen by what they eat when grandma feeds them. And according to her there is no food in the house unless she buys it.

By the time 5 days go by, they are in my home once again. Perhaps I wouldn't mind if I were getting paid, but this is a family contribution of mine. And I don't like being vulnerable to their sickness on a weekly basis. I'm 7 months pregnant and have my own immune system to think about. My other family members try to help out the best they can. My sister or dad usually trade a child with me after my niece gets out of school at noon. So then I have encountered all the children she encounters at school. I bet gradeschool teachers are always sick.

And she coughs with her hand "covering" her mouth about 8 inches from her face, not very efficient! But we're working on it.

So my regimen now that I have a sore throat? Silver 100 drops (a strong colloidal silver treatment Harold swears by), gargling with warm salt water, LOADS of vitamins, EFA's, and colloidal minerals and an attempt to get this house as warm as possible. I am currently running off electric oil heaters alone and it is difficult. As long as you are within 5 feet of it, it works. I have a fireplace but it was poorly designed. It is an insert into a working fireplace. So there is an airspace behind the fireplace that heats up but the metal around the insert does not. Like the oil heater it is only effective within 5 feet, mostly because for fire light as the heat goes behind.

I have one "warm" room: The only reason we don't move immediately with a baby on the way. Although I don't know if its enough space to really keep me sane. Its a rectangular room with no windows and comprised of mostly a King size bed. Not the best setting to keep a new mommy from going mad. I hope to be upstairs at my parents house before then, but we'll have to see what our future with this house is first.

My least favorite thing about being sick is not being able to work out as I want! This is the third time this pregnancy I've been sick and it usually puts me out 3 weeks unless I can nip it in the bud! I will not HAVE IT! Away you red demons of my neck.

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Date:2011-11-20 20:38
Subject:7 months along with baby 2
Security:Public
Mood: happy

Harold's gone to on business for the night. I'm alone with Zora watching movies about birth and romances... after a morning of watching Breaking Dawn with my sister. (Which was one hour of teenage princess wedding fantasy then a bit werewolf/vampire drama, not my favorite of the series.)

Everytime he leaves I entertain myself by writing, reading, and dancing with Zora. As Zora is growing into a toddler, playing peekaboo, tucking in her baby dolls in their blankets and making a mess of any room she enters within 5 minutes, I am feeling more and more that she is ready for a companion. This baby is coming at the perfect time. I am 7 months pregnant today and this pregnancy feels very similar to my first. Pain and nausea free. Perhaps it will be a girl again, we'll find out very soon!

What about my life? Well I am troubled with the aspect of moving back in with my parents. I could afford to live on my own renting a home... or I could live at home, help parents out with their rent (in a large home that will be EMPTY aside from them in 2 months), and save money to buy land to build a house. My job with the coffee is working but it is not as prolific as I'd like YET. I am also limited in my working capabilities. If I wasn't 7 months pregnant I would be searching for more locations right now. But knowing I will be raising a newborn for 2 months in FebruHarold's gone to on business for the night. I'm alone with Zora watching movies about birth and romances... after a morning of watching Breaking Dawn with my sister. (Which was one hour of teenage princess wedding fantasy then a bit werewolf/vampire drama, not my favorite of the series.)

Everytime he leaves I entertain myself by writing, reading, and dancing with Zora. As Zora is growing into a toddler, playing peekaboo, tucking in her baby dolls in their blankets and making a mess of any room she enters within 5 minutes, I am feeling more and more that she is ready for a companion. This baby is coming at the perfect time. I am 7 months pregnant today and this pregnancy feels very similar to my first. Pain and nausea free. Perhaps it will be a girl again, we'll find out very soon!

What about my life? Well I am troubled with the aspect of moving back in with my parents. I could afford to live on my own renting a home... or I could live at home, help parents out with their rent (in a large home that will be EMPTY aside from them in 2 months), and save money to buy land to build a house. My job with the coffee is working but it is not as prolific as I'd like YET. I am also limited in my working capabilities. If I wasn't 7 months pregnant I would be searching for more locations right now. But knowing I will be raising a newborn for 2 months in February diminishes my desire for business growth.

I have been TERRIFIED of getting another Bartholin Cyst, and due to such have not been getting or giving any sexual activity, poor Harold. But he helped put me here, and he is very supportive.

I am preparing for a long labor again by walking as much as possible. If any of you remember my labor story with Zora I was in labor for nearly 2 days with broken water sacs for almost 4 days. Zumba and walking have kept me about 10 pounds under my previous pregnancy weight at this point, which I am very thankful for... but cannot tell. I still feel big, its a part of the process - letting go of it all for the gift of birth.

As we are very focused on saving money, a midwife is not an option once again. Homebirth will someday be for me, but let's just make sure I can have a few without problems. I'm ary diminishes my desire for business growth.

I have been TERRIFIED of getting another Bartholin Cyst, and due to such have not been getting or giving any sexual activity, poor Harold. But he helped put me here, and he is very supportive.

I am preparing for a long labor again by walking as much as possible. If any of you remember my labor story with Zora I was in labor for nearly 2 days with broken water sacs for almost 4 days. Zumba and walking have kept me about 10 pounds under my previous pregnancy weight at this point, which I am very thankful for... but cannot tell. I still feel big, its a part of the process - letting go of it all for the gift of birth.

As we are very focused on saving money, a midwife is not an option once again. Homebirth will someday be an option. I will also not exclude Unassisted Childbirth as one of my future methods.

----

New baby has eyelashes now. I imagine kissing them and tickling his or her nose. This one is a big kicker, too. I think more than Zora but its hard to tell since I am living it now and comparing it to a memory.

----

Zora and I have memorized this book called "Baby Dear." Its about a young girl who gets a baby doll from her dad when he brings "Mommy home from the hospital with her new baby" ... "Mommy's baby is my baby sister"... Its adorable. Just now we watched a video of a water birth and she said "baby sister!" So cute. ;D

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Date:2011-10-26 10:27
Subject:My NANOWRIMO from Nov, 2010
Security:Public

I found it!!! Well... it was "recovered" a few months ago. But my former "novel" is here. Any comments are appreciated. Its about 3300 words, not NEARLY enough for the 50,000. But I was unnerved when the hard drive failed. I don't know if I will continue with this story... I have changed since then and I'm more into life extension Biology now.... We'll see!


January 2018

“Do you think $10 billion is going to be enough?” Lydia questioned her analyst, Levi. He nodded back to her and they smirked at one another, excited about the months to come. Their investors have been spreading big money to biotech groups for decades. Lydia found out that Zen Incorporated would have an ear for unusual ideas like hers.
“The last group they backed had been creating half-human species in the open and they somehow got away with it,” replied Levi. “They were eager to support you when they heard that you are thinking about creating a functioning uterus. I mean, c'mon, you know you women would love to have this tool to avoid the pain of childbirth.”
“Ha. If I even knew what it felt like,” Lydia scoffed. “Jim and I have been trying for years and there is no hope. I'll show them who has a failed cervix. This will mean so much for all of us. I'm just afraid of what it will do. Sometimes I feel like everything science has ever created makes life more complicated than it should be.” She sat with her legs crossed looking down at her ankles. They began to look broken, she felt her body coming apart as she spoke. “I think it'll be for the better. A lot of women have conferenced me with their support.”
Lydia is fair-skinned with crystal blue eyes. She hates the way her legs look and loves being flat-chested because it keeps men from objectifying her. She grew up wondering what she would do in her life and discovered that she had a knack for making an idea into a physical object. She thought she might be an artist or a decorator. She was turned on to science when she was a young woman and her father brought her to a University of California: Los Angeles summit on Human Equalisation. After dabbling with physics throughout college she delved into the world of biology at grad school at UC Berkeley.
She understood that there were two pronounced sides to the feminist movement, just as there were many sides to everything. Conservative and Liberal are words that could be applied to these sides. Some women wanted to be on top of the world, others wanted the world to be perfectly equal. Of course no women wanted to be controlled, or at least no women that were the type to organize and fight for that cause. The silent ones were those who let themselves be silenced.

The lab took mere days to get put together. Zen Inc. had everything she needed to start her project. This was one of the first big chances she has ever had to show that she can prove herself under pressure. With five lab techs and a large Maine Coon in the relaxation room named Creek, the battle between the sexes had become alive.
“No, no, no. Place that there.” Lydia ran to the table to point at the specific spot she wanted the electron microscope to be placed. “They sure have become smaller since the first one I saw. I swear that this entire lab would take up a whole floor on a building. Now its no more than the size of a large living room. Its amazing what people can do.”
Carl squished past Alicia and Fred to place down a sterile sorting tray. “I kind of wish it was like it was back then. Maybe then I wouldn't have to be smaller to navigate around this place. How much more would it cost to get a REAL lab with more than 5 feet between each of our stations?”
“Beggars can't be choosers, Carl. If we had another billion dollars than maybe we could afford it, but Zen won't let it happen. We're still such a risk because this hasn't been done before, not successfully anyways.” Lydia pushed a filing cabinet around for a few minutes then stood back and closed her eyes to visualize its perfect location.
She had a flash of a daydream about when she once wanted to be an interior designer then quickly, and methodically led her mind back to the task at hand. She thought to herself =Okay now where the hell do I put this thing? If Fred moves every hour to update his files and Alicia stays in that chair for 2 hours at a time, then how will …. Oh damn this. I need to get started.= She glided it to the wall and gave up.

After a few hours of analyzing the tissue samples she got from their first uterus started which they derived from stem cells, Lydia decided it was time to take a break. Carl, Alicia, Fred, Daisy and Gloria had left hours earlier. The atmosphere outside the lab was foggy and orange. Lydia's internal clock was so off that she began to think it was the sun. She wondered if she would need coffee and if she would avoid sleeping until she actually felt tired. Her eyes burned. Her back ached from the electron-stimulus chair that was meant to excite her muscles when seated for hours at a time. It only made her more fatigued.
=No, that's not the sun. Its only 3 o'clock.= The orange glow from the night lighting around the building had fooled her twice now. Yet she is happy to know that she can crawl into bed before the sun demands her consciousness.

“Jim? Honey will you please get that?”
<> <><>
“I know this thing is supposed to wake you up gradually but it doesn't work if you complain into my ear the first second you see your fake sun rising,” he grumbled back at her and threw his robe over the waking device.
Her happy morning alarm has a warm sunlight that gradually shines brighter and introduces soothing morning sounds to wake you up. It is a more natural way to get you to wake up without the abrupt shock of a beeping car horn.
“Well I suppose it does allow for the natural sounds of waking between a husband and wife.” Lydia kissed him on the back of his neck. “Every morning I love waking up next to you.” She thought about what she said right after it left her lips. She had said it several times the past few years and though she instantly questions it sometimes, she knows she still means it.
“I love you too darling. Now please put this thing on your side of the bed so you can take care of it instead of me!” Jim stood up and slowly made his way to the bathroom where he turned the knob in the shower. The steam began to fog the reflection of his naked body in the mirror. She glanced over at the dimples on his lower back and decided that she wanted to try to make a child with him again. After he got into the shower, her robe fell to the floor and she followed him into the steam.
“Why hello there Mrs. Cooper.”

March 2018
“Alicia, have you ever tried to make a baby with Collin?” Lydia leaned over Alicia's station so that the others in the room couldn't hear their private conversation.
“I got pregnant once, but it wasn't the right time.”
“I see. Its hard for me to talk about these things with my friends because they are more colleagues than friends. And I suppose they are also more men than women. We can talk, right? I don't want to make it seem like I'm your boss and we can't talk. I'd like to think we can.”
“Of course. Plus why would I say no? <>” Alicia turned her head.
Lydia felt like a fool for asking. She knew it would be awkward to try to connect on a level like this with a young person who was not interested. Yet she wanted Alicia to be interested in this subject. In the days that follow she talked to Alicia about the subject more.
A few days later Lydia approached Alicia again. “Okay, this isn't just a girl-to-girl conversation. I really want to know. Are young people these days into childbirth? Are they into that natural, primitive idealist method of bringing humans into the world? They were when I was young and I just don't see that anymore. What do you think?”
“You're on the ball.” Alicia spoke softer. “It wasn't that we weren't ready, I was really scared. I guess you could say that means I wasn't ready. I'm not sure.
“Go on?” Lydia beckoned more words from her.
“Well you've heard about the strange feelings lately right? The ones all the women have been having? I don't talk about it with Collin, it makes him nervous or upset or something.
“You mean the womanly sympathy pains? I've had them a few times. They get pretty strong lately but I'm sure science will figure out what the deal is.” Lydia wanted to stay away from this subject. Like almost all of the women who have been feeling these stronger connetions to one another, Lydia understood what it would mean if women began to possess something than men could not. There would be chaos. Most of the women had been keeping these so-called “sympathy pains” to themselves. They were not just sympathy pains, they were psychic connections with one another. Some women had even claimed to hear the unspoken voices of other women.
Alicia continued, “well yea, those. I could feel my sister when she was in labor with our nephew Andrew. She was mad, scared, revengeful, upset, I don't know. Everything. It was hard to experience that without being on the stuff that she was on. It was like I was stuck in her body. It was horrible. I didn't want to go through it alone like her.”
“But did she really go through it alone if you felt the pain too? Maybe you took some of it off her? Have you talked to her about it?” Lydia was excited to talk about this taboo subject, especially with someone who was willing to talk.
“Of course not, she would kill me if I was even talking about this Witchy stuff anyways. Nevermind. We should get back to work.” Alicia shut down and turned back to her station.
Lydia knew she had to uphold the managerial position, she patted Alicia's back and remained silent for the rest evening until their goodbyes around 8 o'clock.
The next day was efficient. No one was having small talk and several of the tests were coming back positive or agreeable to the data that Lydia wanted to see. She glanced at Daisy and Gloria's spreadsheets and she cheered them on with a silent shaking Betty fist.
“We're making progress, eh?” Daisy was a Canadian transfer from Maine. She thought Creek, the orange furry lab assistant, and herself were one and the same. “We're both from the coldest, best state in the damn US of A, little whisker fellow.” Creek had to stay in the back office far away from the sterile lab environment. Daisy felt a close connection with Creek, probably because she too stayed out of the lab most of the time. Gloria brought the data out to her but only helped with the actual entries when Lydia was paying attention.
“You girls are going to have your own lab one day.” Lydia had always believed that she needed to tell others what they wanted to hear to be efficient workers, and it worked. That day Lydia was going to start the phases to make life in the three uteruses they had developed. “Next week we're going to be changing the world everybody.” She also liked to let her crew believe that what they were doing was completely necessary. Morale seemed to lead to a successful trial in her experience. She was going to make this crew a winning group.

“We did it Jim! I can't believe it. The uterus is operating with the nutrients we are feeding it. I can't believe we might actually make a human in 9 months. It actually kind of makes me jealous. But I know soon that there will be a new child in the world that came from an idea, not a passionate night.” Lydia was beaming more than usual over a successful project.
“You act like this time it will make it. Don't get your hopes up too much. One only made it three months before, remember? Just be calm.” Jim was a rock. A solid, stable, rock. Lydia needed his grounded thoughts.
“You're right. I'm just eager to publish my results. I wish I could just write it all up now and send it in without the work being done. I know it'll work.” Lydia retracted her statements. “No no, I am just jesting. I can wait. … Can I?” She was starting to talk only to herself as Jim set the table and walked away into the kitchen.
=I hope you can go to bed earlier tonight so we can go at it in the morning=
“Excuse me? What did you say? I barely heard you in there?” Lydia heard him, she just wanted to be sure he said what he did.
“I didn't say anything. I was in the garage.” Jim wasn't lying, she could tell.
Lydia sank in her thoughts. Could her condition be getting worse? Was it a bad thing? She knew she didn't want to be hearing other people's thoughts, especially her husband's. She wouldn't want him to know her thoughts either. There must be a reason why thoughts are silent but moods are visual. The meaning of words get confused when they travel through the vocal and auditory devices of the body. But she wasn't confused by what he said. In fact, she felt perfectly calm and comfortable about what he said. =Why is this happening?=
=Because we're connected.= A voice from the void responded. Lydia turned on the optic stimulator to relax her mind and pretend that she didn't hear a response to her silent voice.

December 2018
“This isn't a goddamn lab anymore people, this is an operation room and Dr. Lambhert here is going to make sure our subject makes it into this world like a normal boy.” Lydia stood behind the surgical team as they aimed to preserve both the fetus and the uterus. =We can save them both. We have to reuse her just like a real womb. There must be a way=
=Die. End. Please= Feelings, not words, were understood by all in the room. There was a presence of God despite the lack of a living mother. A person was being created and there was a loss that needed to take place for that to happen. A pulsating pain was felt in the women in the room.. There was no way to explain it. They were losing the womb quickly. Its animated colouring faded quickly to a grey blue and the surgical team moved quicker to save the fetus.
The blood was still circulating and making its way to the fetus, oxygenating the cord. Dr. Lambhert retrieved the boy after meticulous cuts were made to the deserted tissues on the table. “What a marvel. You people have done something extraordinary” Lambhert was in awe that he could be a part of this. He imagined the scientific community praising him for his achievements and his colleagues inviting him to all sorts of fancy gatherings.
Sirens began to wail outside the office building on the street. Lydia ignored the sounds, convinced she had no part in their blaring nuisance. She heard the faint silent dialogue for a group of women downstairs, =That poor woman, all her work and they just come here to take it away?=
=I should call her up there. No, she wasn't very nice to me a few weeks ago when she didn't hold open the stairs=
Then the strong earthly void voice from that night before in her living room called out =Go, take him. They are coming.=
Lydia didn't wait to question herself this time. She was full of action. She grabbed the child from Lambhert's arms and Alicia and Gloria followed behind her. After a few corridors had passed they finally managed to stop her to question what she was doing.
“Look, I know you girls can hear them. If you can't, I'm sorry for you. But you know what I have to do.” = I have to save him from those Men. He will never live like a real child, he needs a mother. I'm leaving for now.= Lydia held the boy close to her bare chest under her jacket and drove away in her car, concealing the child as if she was harboring nothing below her cloth.
Lydia had secretly been taking hormones to produce Prolactin in her system. Her breasts were full, she was surprised none of the others noticed, as she always believed herself to have small breasts. Though now that she had large, shapely breasts, she felt even more exposed. She contacted Jim several times through remote conference stations but he was never at home, according to the cameras by their receiving station in her home. She knew they must have taken him in for questioning and that she should be quiet for a few weeks before she could be with him again.
A month later Lydia tried to contact Jim again and right before she began to speak their home address to the conference station, she heard the void contact her =He will be here when you arrive. You know where= As if by magic, a place appeared to her in her mind's eye and she could see a small town on the outskirts of San Jose. She travelled past there some years ago with Jim and they spoke about returning there if they ever became separated. Good on Jim for knowing that they should have a place to find each other.
She had been staying in a sleeping station with the infant boy. She had a prostitute help her take care of him because she had three kids and knew more about how to take care of him than Lydia knew. “Thank-you so much. I mean, you have helped me in ways you'll never know.”
=Oh I know.= The young girl left the station room and disappeared onto the streets.
=Thank-you again= Lydia spoke softly to not alarm any others who may be listening in on her statement to the woman.
The newborn was larger than normal newborns. When he was born he was 15 pounds with a full head of hair and 24 inches long. Lydia gazed down at him. =I would call you Jim but he would hate that. You'll have a lot to face in your life young man. Your name should be David.=
Lydia waited to name the child for several weeks because she had to convince herself that she should keep him. She knew that he was of her blood, she made sure of that. She finally faced the reality that her yearning to create throughout life was really her motherly desire to create life. To have a child. She believed men had the same desire to see their own flesh and blood before them. A copy of themselves, but not selfishly so. Only half themselves, half mystery. Entirely new. She loved David as her own, as she should. She was able to get the medication she needed to feed him from her breast. She felt so lost and alone without Jim to help her. She needed to find him.
Her funds were frozen by whoever was trying to find her. She didn't know who it was, but she had a feeling that Zen Inc. had been exposed and that their project had taken wind at the Department of Defense. The DOD had rights over this field because they were tying to create super human fighters back in the 2000s. She knew that by then her lab was raided and that all her work was gone. The world would never have her creation unless David could make it. She needed him, her evidence, to live. Yet not only that. She loved him. Her son. Her life was his life now.

March 2023

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Date:2011-09-14 22:36
Subject:18 weeks pregnant with #2
Security:Public

I have been feeling a nice boost of energy lately. It could be my excitement for Hoopcamp, it could be my lack of exercise that actually tires me out... either way, I'm enjoying the boost.

I have been feeling warm snuggly feelings lately. Some parents brought in a very, very young - probably newborn - young boy into the Family Fitness gym daycare. I was amazed that babies that young are brought in! I had mixed feelings. Part of me was like, "ALRIGHT... she's getting back into the swing of things." Another part of me was surprised to see a child so young be away from home. And I also kind of felt bad for the girls... a child that small requires a lot of attention and when there are like 15 other toddlers or young children around it doesn't seem right! Maybe its just that I couldn't personally give up my newborn to a young girl at a daycare center. -_-

Zora still has issues there. As long as she can see me she doesn't do too bad. However I am confined to a stair stepper, cycle, or freemotion every time I go so she can still reassuringly look for me. If I'm not in view she cries and cries and never stops until the girls come and get me from wherever I am.

I wonder if I will have an only child issue as much with #2. I don't expect so. #2's, ahem (I am one)... get used to not having everything. Now if only I can train Zora.

I will be watching my brother's kids 2 days a week now so they can save money with babysitting. Zora will get used to sharing, too... which is good. She NEEDS it.

As I have said in forums and some other sites - the name Oxana came to me a few weeks ago. I looked up the name and it means "Not of this world" a "foreign person"... I must be slavic or something because I keep being drawn to these names! Zora, Oxana... when will it end? Never. :)

I also mistakenly called Quentin (nephew), "Harold" today... his back was turned to me and I imaged a little 3 year old son named Harold and fell in love for about 15 seconds. (Mind dialogue: "Ohhh, how cute to have a little Harold!!!!") So I definitely want to call this baby Harold if it is a boy. Harold the 4th! HOW CUTE!


Also cute - Zora is getting so affectionate! She pouts and leans in for a kiss. Sings, "Mommmmy mommy mommy mommy!." She says "EW POOPY" whenever she sees a napkin with anything on it and likes to clean up spills with a towel at the moment they occur. And most importantly, and unlike her 5 year old cousin, she listens sooo well. She'll do anything I say, as long as she understands. I wonder why older kids find it so necessary to defy. Is it in their character? Is it an "all kids do that" kind of thing? People say Zora is a perfect child. They also tell me to not expect the next one to be the same way. Really? I suppose I deserve a problem child. I can take it. Life is suffering, no? At least I know with Zora as an older sister he/she will have all the support in the world.

I only feel this new baby when I am lying on my side in the morning and switch to lying on my back. The baby seems to stay in one place and I feel its butt push against my stomach and protrude from under my belly button. Awww, I did miss this feeling. I wonder if I should be concerned that I don't feel preoccupied with going to the doc's. I haven't really had any checkups other than an initial weigh in and feel-around from the outside. No doppler, nothing... I WANT to hear the heartbeat though.. so I will schedule an appt. before I get too far along. My weight and health feels good overall. I have been trying to be more steady this time and avoid things that would cause me to have any Bartholin cysts like last time. YIKES did I hate those. 2 in 3 months. The world was not kind to me then. I deserve an easy pregnancy without so much weight gain. And so far, so good.

Zora is hugging me to go to sleep now. That's my queue.

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Date:2011-08-02 13:32
Subject:
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Wow this pregnancy is going quickly. I remember counting the days last to my second trimester and this time it's already here! My second momma , harold's mum, is visiting from Florida. It's refreshing to have a grandmother present and Zora is adoring all the attention. She had 5 sets of eyes watching her all weekend and she is flirting with her eyes even more than before. It's amazing how quickly she blooms when we are paying this close of attention to her. Her vocabulary accelerates quickly when family is around. They ask her to perform and she delivers. What a charming girl. She will be a great older sister!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Date:2011-05-25 12:56
Subject:Rain rain go away
Security:Public

The rain is falling.
I'm at the Galt Flea Market.
I wish I was not.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Date:2011-04-08 15:52
Subject:
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May I start by saying that the storage auction business is not fun when you sell the same stuff over and over. I tried to get a unit this week but it didn't happen. I WILL get one next week. I NEED NEW STUFF TO SELL.

I have been looking up this one unit I just bought that was full of tech stuff. I am pretty optimistic about that one since the servers look in great condition. I just wish the lifecycles of these type of machines wasn't 1-2 years. I hope someone wants a massive IBM server from 2002 :(

The sun is out and my "skinny clothes" are beckoning... Its that time of year again!

After the past almost two weeks of rain, I have felt utterly drained of energy. This led to overeating and extreme laziness. I have signed up for the gym and the local one has some AWESOME features: A very large aerobics room where I can do hoopstuff with my mp3 player hooked into the sound system. There are so many different classes too! Yoga, stationary cycling, zumba, cardio kickboxing, exotic pilates... I feel like I just signed up for a thousand different classes. I'm EXCITED. After a day of working out I came home around 11 am feeling energized despite the lack of food. ENERGIZED! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? THERE IS A GODDESS. It feels great.

And if we ever need it, there is free daycare so Zora can be looked after while Harold and I are busy. What a lovely place. I regret having put off signing up until now. I guess I just needed the cash money.

With the assistance of my Livestrong calorie counter, April is going to be a very successful weightloss month. I love this part of the year. I always seem to get active around Spring. I really want to amp up my hooping this time and start another 30 minute regimen after I've toned some more. Hmm, the muscle weakness has gotta go though. I guess that means I need some vitamins.

Now I just need to get out there and plant something for snacks in the summer.

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Date:2010-06-10 22:58
Subject:The Case Against Homework
Security:Public

I'm reading about book with the above title: The Case Against Homework. Thus far it has entangled me in my past about the many stacks of paperwork that I was forced to go through. Repetition was supposed to teach me specific ideas that would be ingrained in my sponge-like mind. However, as I stare at the stack of crossword puzzles and word searches in my closet, I can tell you that these methods did very little to teach me the subject matter at hand.

This book summarizes several negative effects of homework: Children are spending less time with family, they are losing out on important socializing skills, they are losing out on physical activity, they are given homework over weekends and holidays, they are not being given homework that follows ANY structured pattern (teachers are not taught about how to give constructive homework when getting their credentials), and quite a load more facts that are startling. For instance, children who have more homework score less on standardized tests. However that statistic comes from an international comparison, so who knows what other factors go into it.

My personal take is that children do not learn creativity and responsibility through being plagued with redundant homework that does not test their ability to think analytically. When studying for the LSAT, I wonder if my score is a reflection of my poor public education or if I really am that stupid. I want better for my children.

I am a supporter of allowing children to enjoy their youth and indulge in a stressfree childhood before the pressure of being a teen sets in. I definitely do not believe children should be weighed down with as much homework as they are given. According to this book, children are given 40% more homework now compared to the 1980s. That is ridiculous! A great thing about the books is that it teaches parents how to tell teachers that their child didn't do an assignment because it was pointless or invaded on personal family time! So if your child is having this problem, go out and get them in the clear!

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Date:2010-05-11 13:11
Subject:
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I've been in Florida for 11 days to visit Zora's grandmother, Harold's mother. It has been a lovely trip and his family here is extremely sweet. They held a party for me with a cake that read "welcome Shannon Zora"

I went to Sanibel island and spent the day on the beach and water. We brought Zora into the ocean for the first time. We held her while she was under the umbrella, free from the burning sun. It was adorable to watch her in the pool as well. Her small chubby legs flutter under the water. We have a pink sun hat that she wears and it velcros under her face. She looks like a flower.

I got my hair cut and styled today and all I can think about is how I can't go back to having my long dreads. I'm also very excited about seeing Harold without his dreads. We're starting a new chapter of life.

I met up with my Uncle and his three kids in Naples. He has 3 kids under 3. They are very energetic boys. My newest cousin is just over 4 months, nearly the same age as Zora. Yet he was huge! He had problems turning over he was so big. Him and Zora held hands and stared at eachother. It was a precious moment and I made sure to take pictures!

I hope my hair isn't too hard to style and that I don't have to use crappy chemicals to achieve what the stylist did to it today. I'll be on the search for natural products now. hooray for interweb.

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Date:2010-05-10 09:42
Subject:bye bye dreadums
Security:Public

I finally chopped off my dreads. I've had them for 5 and a half years and they are finally gone. I did it for a few reasons. One, a change! Two, I was in Florida and my partner chopped his off at home. I wanted to do the same so we could both enjoy a headrub without the dreads getting in the way. Three, Zora is bald and she doesn't mind.. so I probably wasn't going to. And I don't! I like it... but I have a feeling I'll have some regret here and there. Looking at old photos, I think.. wow, they are gorgeous. But I will grow them again someday when I'm older. They are such low maintennance! Now I know how low maint. they really were since I have to wash, dry, and style my short 'do everyday.

Its not like I don't have the free time though.

Four, its hot here in Florida and I've enjoyed the removal of my head blanket. I'm going to get it properly cut tomorrow morning, then I'll post some pictures. It'll be nice to have short hair for summer too... which is right around the corner! goodbye dreadums.

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Date:2010-04-12 18:42
Subject:
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strangely entertaining.

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Date:2010-03-09 22:59
Subject:continued...
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At 4 centimeters, I was sure the rest of the 6 would come quickly, as that is what I read in the books. Those books really are nothing compared to the real experience of it all. The contractions were getting stronger and I was getting more excited. I visualized myself as another person in the room would have seen me. This out of body visualizing helped me to feel safe and comfortable in the process. I had a lovely nurse named Elliewyn who had a calm voice and the name of an elf. She kind of looked like one too with her blonde hair and soft eyes. Because she was one of the only familiar faces to me, I felt comforted by her presence. She told me to breathe through each contraction. At 8pm I was starting to feel an extra wave of energy come over me as the contractions lessened in intensity. I was smiling and having faith in myself to complete the process. My laughter was a signal to the nurses and the midwife that I was not going to be a quick birther.

My father and Harold were diligent in fetching me water, juice, and apple sauce, when I requested it. I had so much cranberry juice by the end of my labor that I partially lost my voice to the strong sour flavor. I was drinking loads of water, which made me pee every half hour or so. I was checked again after I had discussed it with my nurse. I wanted to see how it was going. My contractions were every 5 minutes still, and lasting up to a minute. I was at the level that I was when I arrived and still only 6 centimeters.

What I should of done is just stick with the process. But now I'll never know what could have happened. The impatience of my midwife mirrored in me. I was so susceptable to the emotions in the room. Even when my dad was in there talking about shootings involving police officers, I had to ask him to leave. I was given the option of pitocin. I remembered that the books told me pitocin is the surest way to initiate a need for c-section. There would be pitocin, then fetal distress or contractions that rip my uterus through their unnatural synthesized aggression, then I would be cut open. I couldn't visualize any other sequence of events according to my birth plan. I feared c-section like a soldier on the field fearing an amputation. It seemed like the doc's quick fix. I was getting a midwife so that I could avoid that scenario, yet my situation with a long labor automatically transferred me to an OB. I wanted to be mad, but I didn't have the energy to be mad. I was complacent and said yes.

I said yes after my nurse, the sweet elf, had told me that contractions are only stronger because they are actually working. And that it was used often without a c-section being the end result. Then my mother came in and told me she had to have one for my older brother, her first born. Then she didn't need it for any others. I remembered the conversation I had with my cousin days before. She told me pitocin was like getting hit in the bat. I wanted to feel that, but I wasn't going to pity myself. I could take pain... maybe that is why I'm a woman, or perhaps that's what makes me one.

I had cried several times in the night already. Though they could have been manipulated by my subconscious as believed tears meant I was approaching the end of my labor. Tears are meant to symbolize "giving in" and "letting go" to the process, which accelarates it. I even said to my nurse, "doesn't that mean I'm getting closer?" She only said, "sometimes."

I cried right before the nurse was going to return with the IV to place the pitocin. Though in this cry I felt sad, not happy or triumphant like the others. I felt like a failure. What if nature had destined my child and me to die that night? Am I supposed to be dead but now the technology of humankind has willed that I live? I also felt sad that I may end up with a c-section and that I wasn't strong enough to say no. I was feeling tired and out of sorts. Completely out of sorts.

I never had an IV before, so having that placed was pretty uncomfortable. I became increasingly immobile once it was put in because the contractions were so strong. From 10 pm until 6am the next morning, I was receiving this manmade happiness into my veins. It didn't feel so happy.

After the pitocin the contractions began to peak at a minute long, some 90 seconds, and from 1 to 3 minutes apart. This cycle was very tiring. I couldn't stand anymore because my feet were sore. I tried lying down, but it was not my preferred position. I wanted to stand. So to try something in between, I was on my knees on the bed leaning over the back of the bed. I felt warm liquids gushing out of my body. Sometimes blood, sometimes the amniotic fluid, sometimes urine. I was experiencing such harsh back pain that I couldn't do anything my kneel or lay down. After my knees were sore, then all I could do was lay on my side and thrust back and forth, like I was humping the handles of the side of the bed. I'm sure it looked strange, but I was feeling good that I found something that sort of worked. It even hurt to lay down between the contractions because at that point the back pain wasn't ending with them.

The smell of labor was strong. All I could smell was blood, urine, and my stench. I thought... I wish I was in a pool. (Next time hopefully I will be!) My next nurse arrived, she was sweet as well. Not as elvish, but I wasn't paying attention. She was young and respectful, also blonde... she was with me to the end. Eleiwyn had stayed an extra hour with me to ease the transition. By 4am, the nurse cheked me and said I was at 10 but there was a small lip of cervix covering the baby's head.

I asked why wouldn't it move if I pushed. She said pushing would cause it to swell and that more interventions would need to be done. I was too trusting again and complied. After 30 minutes more of contractions I started to feel a strong urge to push. Everyone seemed to be asleep, I wanted them to all be awake with me as I was doing all this hard work. It seemed unfair they were all sleeping and I hadn't done so on top of enduring all this pain. I wanted a village of women to take care of me. I only had my mother and the nurse, but they were enough.

The nurse wanted to limit the amount of times she checked me due to the waters being broken. But I just wanted her to keep checking since she might have me go even 5 minutes longer than I need to. Each time she checked she would gently push the lip back, trying to get Zora's head past it. I'd bargain with her. She told me to wait another 20 minutes until she would check and try again, I asked for 10... 15 was the compromise. She also feared making the cervix swollen by pushing on it...

Of course it was likely the cervix became swollen by the urgency of contractions brought on by the pitocin. At the time, reasoning wan't required, only appropriate actions. Each time I pushed I allowed my bladder to empty if it needed to, I didn't want anything in the way, and no one else in the room minded.

My hair was pulled back and I was wearing the hospital gown because I wantd to wear my blue gown I recieved on freecycle after the labor was finished. I saw the lip moving back in my mind, and I wailed in ecstasy, "Ohhhhh baby, be good to momma, oooohh, baby come out, baby come out" I remember hearing about a woman saying this and it felt for me to do so also. I just kept saying this through the rough contractions, shaking my head back and forth. I couldn't visualize as well as I could shake the pain away from my body. Movement was my ideal, so being stuck on the bed with sore knees and feet really sucked. I even told people I wanted to change position, but I couldn't physically get to what my mind thought was the best, squatting. So I stuck with what worked, and that ended up being sitting up, holding my thighs and pulling my chest against my knees.

Pushing felt better than holding it in... for obvious reasons I think. I wasn't using my abdominals as I thought I would, it was focused in my rectal muscles. It really does feel like taking the biggest crap of your life. In the first few pushes, I had to learn where and what I was pushing. I finally felt it in my bottom, her head! My nurse told me: "Feel that deep push, push into that, push as hard as you can as quickly as you can" So I took gasps of air, pushed hard, and repeated, but I only did this for the peaks of my contractions. I couldn't even feel the contractions now that I was pushing. They were assisting me now and I recognized in now more than before.

In total, I was pushing for another hour. I was so tired between then that I took naps between the contractions. Even if it was for only a minute or two, they were necessary for me to go on. My mind went into another frequency and I felt more energy to push each time I awoke. I can't recall if I felt her head before she came out, but I know I saw it.

The nurse called in the doctor after I was getting very close. I remember the room going from being empty to being full with my family and a few other strangers. They were either students or spirits that I made up in my delerium. I think they were either students or more nurses. They assisted the OB by taking Zora to get oxygen after she was put directly on my belly after the birth. In the final minutes of pushing, the OB said the cord was wrapped around Zora's neck and hand, which was by her face. It was preventing her from coming out so they cut the cord while she was still inside me. She passed meconium as she was being pulled out. There was blood everywhere and within seconds I had a squirmy, wet, warm little person on my squishy, empty stomach.

She was blue with swollen nipples, eyes, and a mishapened head. She looked precisely as she should have for the occasion. Because I didn't know the sex, my mother weeped and said, "its a girl. Oh my god, its a girl" I felt surprised in a way, because others had prepared me to expect for a boy by my size and how I was holding the child, but I also felt like it was so right for my life process to have my child at this moment be a girl. It was the answer to my questions about what it means to be a woman, a mother, a sister... the close female family member. And now I have another woman in my life to cherish and enjoy femininity.

I looked at Harld and wanted him to share that moment with me. He looked like a tired new father. Feeding her felt amazing as she latched on with ease. I took out some peircings I had, thinking I could easily place them back in, but it hurt to do so. This only made my situation worse because when my milk came in my nipples were sore and she couldn't latch on because they were so flat and full. But that's another story. I love that preciouse little girl and I hope she can read this one day to experience childbirth through the words of her mother.

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